The Making of a Year

I lay back and sigh.  It is done already.  I have intentions.  I speak them.  I write them down.  I picture them in my mind.  And so it is.

I am the maker that makes.

For what I plan to do is already done.  It exists out there and needs only to be breathed in and out.  It needs only for me to call it forth, to dance with it and let it go.  Let it spin and catch fire and spread.

For my idea has already been thought.  It lives in a bubble above my head and it floats.  It waits for me to reel it in.  It hovers above me with loving patience.  It needs only for me to be ready, to burst it and let it rain.  Let it rain over us all.

For this Love has always been.  It exists beyond the beyond.  It calls me home.  It whispers my names…all the names I have called myself these many, many ages.  Through strife and through triumph, through wind and through stillness it has been there.  It is.  It is all there is.

And though I make this year, I know it has been done.  I intend with an open heart.  I am learning.  With Love, all is possible.  With Love, I have it made.

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And Then My Soul Craved Beauty

I did not know how bad it had gotten.  I did not know.

How starved my spirit had become, I did not know.

How shallow was my breathing, I did not know.

How bland was the food I ate, I did not know.

How cut off from love I was, I did not know.

And then my soul craved beauty…

So slowly, slowly I began to awaken to a world that had beat on all the while…all the while I fitfully slept.  It shone and it danced.

Here the food was bright, healthy and delicious.  Here were gentle friends with a ready smile and open arms.  Here money came easily and was given away with an open heart and unyielding faith.  Here feelings were felt and then released for all knew only love is real.

And I knew this was right.  I knew this was true.  That this is how the world works and always has.  That you are loved and valued for exactly who you are.  That you are supported through wind and rain, through pleasure and pain, through all your soul calls forth.

And I sighed with relief.  For though I had been asleep these 30 years, I had awoken to the beauty that had rocked me all this time.  And I was forgiven.

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How Getting Sick Taught Me to Lighten the Heck Up

I’ve been sick since Friday morning.  Barely able to eat (though I just managed to eat some macaroni…yay!), sleeping constantly and feeling very drained.  It has made me appreciate the lightness that is health.  I feel like I did when I was pregnant.  And while I love my 2 babies like there’s no tomorrow, let me put it this way: Please. God. No.  When I was pregnant I was nauseous and exhausted for 3 months straight.  I know this isn’t unusual, but it sucked.  A lot.

Anyways, I was feeling like that again.  I haven’t been sick like that since I was pregnant, but this time I really didn’t feel sorry for myself.  I went to bed and I rested.  I gave thanks for the times I feel really vibrant and healthy which is MOST of the time!  I also gave thanks to myself for carrying my 2 children while feeling so crappy.  Yes, they are totally worth it, but again…it sucked.  A lot.

Being sick has also been teaching me to Lighten the Heck Up.  So I share with you here some things you may not know about me.  Let’s nourish ourselves with some silliness shall we?

– I laugh when people fall down.  Keep in mind, I’ll always make sure they’re ok, but…I laugh first.

– Arrested Development and Ricky Gervais make me pee my pants!  Granted, I’ve given birth to 2 children so that’s not hard to do, but still!  Very funny.

– I love wine.  I know quite a bit about it too, but love learning more.  I often wish that it didn’t make me tipsy so quickly, but then if it didn’t, would I love it as much?  Probably not.

– I love romance.  Not really the Harlequin stuff, but I suppose I’ve never given it a good go.  I just love the idea of 2 people finding each other, sharing everything and loving each other anyways.  Mmmmm….

  – My kids make me laugh everyday.  Everytime my 5-year-old daughter farts, my 2-year-old son comes up to her, pats her on the bum and says “It ok”.  Not sure what exactly is ok, but it makes me laugh my ass off.

– I love flirting.  Even though 99% of the time it’s with my husband and 99% of that goes right over his head, I love it still.  It affirms my girlishness.

And so thank-you stomach virus (not pregnant)!  You made me remember it’s ok to be ridiculous.  There are lots of lessons to learn and people to forgive, but ultimately, joy is just another vehicle to help get us there.  Yay!

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A Pain Shared, A Pain Halved

Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze.  And know that it is me.  I am with you. 

Run your fingers through your hair and breathe.  And know that it is me.  I protect you.

Hold your hands against your heart and feel.  And know that it is me.  I am the beat within.

You fell.  You cried.  You learned. 

You sniffed. Wiped your eyes and bowed your head.

You prayed.  You blessed.  You shared.

In short, you remembered.

And that is how you heal us.  That is how you teach us.  We need to know you’ve been there!  We need to know you understand what Hell feels like.  We need to know that you are not a saviour, but that you are our brother.  And we need to know that you reach out for help sometimes.

And when you do…

Know that your light reveals as much as your dark.  That your pain is shared and halved.  That your words are never wasted and that we live for you!  For we are you.  And we are in this together.

Love you.

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The Light Intended

The thought of my own perfection frightens me.  It terrifies me.  That I could be filled up.  That I could be whole.  That I could rise above mediocrity scares me absolutely.

It’s comfortable here.  I blog from my basement.  I wear yoga pants and a fuzzy cotton sweater.  I see the same friends.  I talk to the same family members.  I kiss my husband good-bye.  I take my kids where they need to go.  I pray.  Everything is good. 

This past year has seen many changes.  I am more of who I am.  I know this is all leading me down a path I’ve been on forever.  I know that.  But there are dark corners ahead.  I can’t see what’s coming.  I’m unsure.  And so I shift into neutral.  I coast.  I grasp onto my children and my excuses and I hold on for dear life.

There’s a force though that’s pulling me…urging me…commanding me to stand!  And I get choked up.  A wave of nervousness…of nausea rises from my gut up to my throat and threatens to make me cry: “I’m not ready yet!”.  

Except that I am.  I’m just frightened.

And I remember that I’ve been here before.  I’ve cowered in the dark afraid to look up.  I’ve made the excuses and delayed my greatness.  But woven in between these moments of doubt were times of courage.  Times where I breathed deep…where I took the step blindly and moved.

And this led me to feelings of great joy!  Places where I realized talents hidden deeply and bravery I did not know I possessed.  There was love there.  There was light.

Yes I remember this now.  It’s all coming back to me.  I recall that it’s ok to be scared.  It’s ok to coast.  And when that feeling of fear shifts to that overwhelming faith, I shall get up and go.  For I have surrendered.  I have already made it so.

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And I Love You Too

Sometimes we mistake the truth.  Sometimes we get confused.  This love business can get tricky.  It can be difficult to see yourself through it.  It can be foggy and mysterious.

My heart is wide open for you.  I take you as you are.  I hold you.  I comfort you.  I offer you compassion.  I remind you who you really are.  I am your friend.

But I’m not special. 

In me you see yourself.  In me you see your potential.  In me you see all that needs only to be cultivated within.  I am your Love mirror.  I am not going anywhere.  I know you love me and I love you too.  But I am not special.

And I know deep inside you apprehend that.

It’s so nice to know that someone cares.  It can fill us up to know that someone understands.  It is such a gift to have a friend who will listen to all the crazy stuff and just love you anyways.

That is how it is meant to be.

And this confuses us though.  We’re used to working for it.  We’re used to navigating some drama before we reach the pinnacle of undying love.  To know that I love you for you is astonishing!  I understand.  But I am not special.  I am your friend, your brother, your sister. 

This is the love you deserve.  This is the love you have called into your life.  This is the love that you have inside already.  I know you love me.  And I love you too.  And soon you will know that that is enough.

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The Hurt That Heals

I felt like I had had enough.  This week had been tough.  There was something in my stomach…a swirling storm of hurt and hate threatening to reach up to my crown and down, down to my toes.  It was dark.  And I cried.  I felt it.  At times I could barely breathe, but I felt it anyway.  I’ve been here before, just not this deep.  It was darker somehow….more challenging.  It felt like a tighter squeeze.

But I’ve been here before. 

And I’ve seen the other side of this.  And on the other side is healing.  On the other side is growth.  On the other side is light.  Sometimes my daughter hugs me so tight it hurts.  Because she loves me….because she can’t help herself…because she needs me to know.  And that is what this was. 

Love held me tight for a while.

So that I could see the dark and then know the light.  So that I could heal that which has gone unforgiven and release it.  So that I could hurt and receive comfort.  It was all for me.  Never against me.

And I knew this in the back of my harried mind.  I knew this.  And yes there was doubt, and yes there was definitely resistance!  But this is love in action.  This is the pain that transcends!  Indeed, this is the hurt that heals.  And I am thankful.  On the other side of this, I am at peace.

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